There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you, friends. This won’t be an easy post for me, but I’ll do my best.
I don’t really know how to say this, so I guess I’ll just jump straight in. Hubby and I are separated. We’ve actually been separated for a long time now. And yes, we’re in the process of getting a divorce. This is a post I never expected to write, so I’m not sure where to begin, but I’ll try…
This blogging life is such a crazy experience. When I first started blogging, I was very anonymous. I didn’t even post pictures of my face. But with the encouragement of blog friends, I began to open up and share more of my life with you. I loved doing it, and I felt like I was able to really connect with so many of you. But things changed over the years. The blogosphere and the world overall morphed, and I felt myself dialing back. I started to question how much I should share so publicly. It was pretty confusing, and with work becoming so much more demanding, I eventually slowed my posting to almost a complete halt. As I look back on that time, I regret doing it. I wish I’d had the stamina to continue blogging as I’d done before, but there were so many factors making things so difficult. I say this not to complain but more to have a conversation with you and to try to open up more like I used to. I’ve often wondered what the right level of detail is to share with you. How much is too much or too little? I wasn’t even sure if I should share this post with you.
But many of you have been following along on my journey for years…some of you, over a decade! And I do want to be open and honest with you, especially given all the love and support you’ve already shown me over the years. I think you deserve this.
I was catching up with a good blog friend recently, and she said she’s working on being more vulnerable and mentioned Brené Brown. Despite my blog being so public, I’m actually a pretty private person. I’ve tried to share what’s been comfortable while leaving some things private. But as Brené Brown has taught us, vulnerability leads to connection. So here’s me trying to allow myself to be vulnerable. If nothing else, my hope is that someone reading this post who is going through a similar situation will see that they’re not alone.
In the interest of respecting his privacy, I won’t be going into details about the divorce itself. I hope you guys can understand. I feel very fortunate that we’re proceeding amicably. We’ve simply grown apart over the years and want different things in life. I’m thankful for the time we’ve spent together but also understanding about that time being over for us. It’s not about giving up on each other but letting each other go so we can each live the life of our dreams.
And for those of you wondering about Bailey, we’ll be sharing him to make sure he gets good quality time with each of us.
All that said, I can’t sugar coat this. Divorce is scary and hard. I’ve had many cry fests, felt deep despair, endured days where I couldn’t seem to get off the couch and struggled through times where I was lacking motivation to do anything. But I feel very fortunate that I’ve spent so much time reading and learning about practicing gratitude, focusing on the good, and doing meditation over the last few years. These things have really helped me (and will continue to help me) get through these tough times. And they’ve been especially critical since I haven’t been able to partake in my favorite de-stressing option – fitness.
Over the years, my workouts have become my happy place. A place I can feel good no matter what else has been going on in my life. So while I haven’t been doing my workouts as often as I’d like (due to my current injury), the good news is that I’m finally starting to ease back into things, even working towards doing a couple easy group fitness classes, including Zumba. I especially miss teaching dance fitness. Teaching gave me the opportunity to not only enjoy my happy place but share it with others. Focusing on others gave me a greater purpose and allowed me to get out of my head and think more about the world around me. Teaching has helped me through many tough times in the past, and I so wish I had it in my life now. Though, I do hope to be back at it soon.
I’m also very grateful to my close friends and family who have been there to support me. At first, I tried to go it alone. I’m terrible at asking for help. But once I started reaching out to a couple close friends, I was overwhelmed by the love and support they shared with me. The long phone calls. The pep talks. The shared stories. My friends and family helped build me up when I felt so broken. And for that, I’ll be forever grateful.
I’ve spent a long time trying to pick myself back up again. At first, I felt weak. But with time, I’ve come to realize how strong I truly am. And while some days are harder than others to move forward, I am headed in the right direction. Every day I feel a little bit better, more inspired, lighter, and happier.
So, what’s next? The truth is that I have no idea. This blog has given me a way to feel productive and like I have something positive to focus on. The creativity I express here brings me a lot of happiness so, it’s been helpful for me to continue blogging and even making videos for you. I feel like I’m making something (hopefully) of value and putting something good into the world. I hope you’ll stay on this journey with me.
In meditation, I’ve learned the value of focusing on the present moment. So in moments of anxiety or sadness, I’ve found peace by bringing my thoughts back to the present. I’ll continue to work on this. While I do believe it’s healthy to allow yourself to feel sad, I also have the clarity to understand that there are many other wonderful things going on with my life. This helps to balance me out and stay positive overall. In general, I’m working on taking things one day at a time, and I do feel good about the future. I guess I really am an optimist now.
I know many of you are also going through a difficult time. I’m considering compiling the resources (books, tools, etc.) that have been helping me so much. If this is something you think would help you, please let me know. I’m happy to put it together. While I don’t know your exact struggle and I understand everyone deals with difficult times differently, there is a simple quote that has given me great comfort. I’m sharing in case it can help you in any way. One thing I’ve heard from several sources is to remind yourself that “This too shall pass”. On the darker days when it has felt like I’d always feel so sad, telling myself this gave me hope. I’d think about the tough times I’ve been through before and how they felt like they’d last an eternity. But they didn’t. They passed. This will too.
Thank you again for all your love and support. Though I’ve only had the opportunity to meet a couple of you in person, I really do appreciate you!
PS As you know, quotes really help me. If you have one you’d like to share, I’d love to see it. Please share it in a comment.