Today I stumbled upon a powerful quote on people pleasing by Dr. Sara Kuburic of Millennial Therapist on Instagram. As a recovering people pleaser, myself, this is a topic that is near and dear to me.
“Authenticity will take you places where people pleasing can’t.”
~Sara Kuburic / @millennial.therapist
This quote inspired me to write this blog post and add some thoughts.
The Cost of People Pleasing
People pleasing has cost me a lot and caused a significant amount of stress in my life over the years.
Costs and impacts of people pleasing include:
- Taking on unnecessary amounts of emotional labor because I was afraid of offending other people in my life who took advantage of my people pleasing tendencies.
- Lost time (and energy) from overworking in an attempt to impress people with my contributions (especially when I kept trying to win people over who were simply never going to like me).
- Resentment. Lots of it.
- Poor / superficial / one-sided relationships with people who only liked what I could give them instead of liking me for me (and who had 0 intention of ever reciprocating an equal energy exchange).
- Being taken advantage of time and time again in all areas of my life.
And probably more that I can’t remember right now.
People Pleasing vs Authenticity
There’s a big difference between people pleasing and authenticity. And it’s a difference that is more powerfully felt than understood purely in thought.
People pleasing feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. And in part that’s because you decided to pick that weight up and carry it, despite others offering to help or telling you to put it down. (As a fellow recovering people pleaser, I can say – we just can’t help ourselves, can we? 😅)
Whereas authenticity feels like a breath of fresh air. Light. Free.
Here’s a little People Pleasing vs Authenticity comparison list I made for you:
People Pleasing usually:
- Attracts people who like who you are *pretending* to be.
- Gets you superficial success
- Blocks you from alignment
- Yields self-doubt
- Creates stress
- Leads you to burnout
Authenticity typically:
- Attracts people who like who you *actually* are.
- Gets you fulfilling success
- Brings you to alignment
- Yields confidence
- Creates ease + flow
- Leads you to fulfillment
And while it may feel like you may never get over people pleasing, I truly believe if I can overcome it, then you can too!
It might not happen overnight, but where there’s a will, there’s a way.
What Is Authenticity?
Learning how to shift from people pleasing to authenticity has been an absolute game-changer for me.
Stepping into authenticity was a lovely side effect of learning about alignment and doing a deep dive on the subject.
Side note: If you like the idea of authenticity, then I highly encourage you to look more into the concept of “alignment”. Alignment is all about living in a way that stays true to the real, most authentic you in a way that is for your highest good. I’m planning to write a lot more on alignment. For this post, let’s take a couple quick points focused on authenticity.
Cambridge Dictionary defines “authenticity” as “the quality of being real or true”.
Authenticity definition: the quality of being real or true
Cambridge Dictionary
On another note…
Here’s the definition of a people pleaser:
People Pleaser definition: someone who cares a lot about whether other people like them, and always wants others to approve of their actions
Cambridge Dictionary
So a people pleaser essentially disregards their authenticity because they care more about the opinions, thoughts, and feelings of others.
So who’s going to care for you when you’re the people pleaser?
(Hint: the answer is – you. So you learning how to overcome people pleasing and step into authenticity is important.)
The Path to Authenticity
The path to authenticity is all about:
- Understand what authenticity means to you: Understand what is real or true for you. You can do this by tuning into yourself more. And if you’re not quite sure who you are or what you stand for, you can do personality tests or value exercises to get more clarity here. Determine what authenticity means to you. It looks different for everyone.
- Notice where you’re not being authentic: Next, you’ll want to start noticing where your tendency to people please causes you to speak or take action in a way that is inauthentic. Even without understanding yourself completely, if you can learn how to trust your gut and lean more into your intuition, you’ll start to notice where something just feels “off”. This is usually a good sign you’re betraying the authentic you. Authenticity usually feels good – safe, positive, and secure.
- Overcome the tendency to people please and be authentic instead: And lastly, you’ll want to see where you can override your natural inclination to people please and instead take the often-scarier choice to act in a way that is more authentic.
If you’re struggling with this, find one part of your life where you are authentic, no matter how small. We usually have areas of our life where we feel more authentic than not. Notice how you feel when you’re being authentic in this area of your life to get more data points you can apply to other areas.
Of course, people pleasing is quite a complex topic. For me, it’s taken many years to overcome. And I still have days where the tendency to people please comes up.
But hopefully this helps get you started.
If you feel overwhelmed, remember, tiny steps in the right direction add up to powerful change over time. Keep going!
Want more?
Journal Prompts to Help Overcome People Pleasing
Here are some journal prompts to help you overcome people pleasing.
Journal Prompts to help you overcome people pleasing:
- What has people pleasing cost me?
- How would I feel if I didn’t lean into people pleasing so much?
- How can I create healthy boundaries for myself to honor my highest good?
- How can I be more authentic? Write down 1-3 ideas.
- What could I gain by being more authentic?
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Read Next
If you find yourself coming up with reasons you can’t overcome people pleasing, then you, my friend, are (most likely) experiencing limiting beliefs.
So, I’ll invite you to read this post next: Who’s stronger? You Or the Limiting Belief?
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Thank you for stopping by! Hope you enjoyed this blog post. If you did, please share it with someone who would find it helpful.
xo, Diana